Handling Friends, Relatives, or Strangers
Do you get ticked off when your friends are having babies and its not happening for you. Sometimes it is so frustrating because it seems like you hear about anyone and everyone getting pregnant…except you.
Would it be beneficial to know how to handle friends, relatives, and even strangers when you are frustrated or depressed about not getting pregnant right now?
A couple came in our office for their next consultations and herbal formulas. Both had always been strong in regards to the difficulty they had encountered conceiving a baby. But on this day their expressions, energy, body language or whatever you would like to call it, was different. The woman was definitely suffering and her husband looked unsure and depressed as well. The pain was so evident that even some of my staff asked if they were okay.
As we sat down to discuss how they had been over the last few weeks, before the words left the woman’s mouth, tears began to stream down her face. “I feel horrible” she said. It was clear that she was more than just a little upset, that finally she let her guard down and allowed herself to feel the feelings and recognize that she had been keeping these emotions pent up inside. Now let me make a note here that all women who are moving forward and empowering themselves and feeling strong despite not conceiving now don’t have to be holding on to negative emotions and repressing them,
Many couples I have worked with in the clinic and our workshops have been able to let go of the negative emotions taking over their lives when dealing with fertility issues, but there are some who are trying to ignore their negative feelings and some that let it all out as well.
Each person is unique in the way they deal with this situation. And that includes your spouse as well.
Remember, it is okay to feel negative emotions. Emotions make us human and they are important to acknowledge. The problem comes in when we continually push these emotions down, hang onto them and can’t let them go now.
Back in the treatment room the wife was crying and the husband was looking as he felt helpless, disempowered not knowing what to do. Clearly an event occurred that precipitated these feelings so when I asked what happened, the female tried to tell me but couldn’t get it out. Her husband took over. He grabbed her hand and said, a relative had gotten pregnant and announced gleefully that they weren’t even trying.
He continued. We were invited over to a dinner party and at the table our friends said they had a little surprise for everyone. When they announced that they were pregnant…” Now my female patient spoke up, “it was like someone taking a hot knife and driving it through my chest.”
She felt immediate physical pain and while trying to put on a strong supportive face, eventually she had to remove herself from the table when the couple made a point of saying how happy they were even though they weren’t trying for a baby.
That was it, the straw that broke the camel’s back. “How could this have come to them so easy”, she asked now with anger in her voice and eyes. “They weren’t even trying!!!”
Quietly, the husband added, “we just want to know when it’s going to be our turn.”
“What is wrong with us? Why can’t we conceive?” My patients pleaded.
And in the next breath she threw her arms in the air. “And to top it all off, I feel so guilty because I really want to be happy for her. I really do love her and want her to have children. I feel so miserable because I am not feeling happy for her.”
These are common questions, comments and experiences that I hear over and over. Most couples going through fertility issues will ask these questions, feel these feelings, and make these comments.
If you see yourself in this scenario, you are not alone!
So let’s talk about how you can prepare yourself for events like this one so that you can actually be happy for those you love who are pregnant and have children. This is also useful for those who become emotional or have a difficult time seeing babies or small children in the mall or other public places.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out where these thoughts, feelings, and emotions are coming from. You are focused on having a child and that can become all consuming. So every person, place, or thing that you probably never even noticed before you began the journey to parenthood becomes a symbol to you that up until now you have been having some difficulty conceiving. All of this brings up negative emotion within you because this is an unresolved issue in your life. This has become a major focus and at times the sole focus in your life.
If you are experiencing some of the thoughts, feelings and emotions described above this probably means that these events, people, or even sometimes the media, etc (really anything that has a baby on it or a represents a baby or parenthood) to reinforce a belief that you may have which might be “I can’t have a baby. or I am infertile”
These types of experiences remind you of the problems you are having, so naturally we want to avoid pain so the negative emotion is your signal to run away, turn inward, and protect yourself from these thoughts and feelings.
Negative emotion such as sadness can tell you to pay attention to how much something or someone means to you and the sadness you experience may be telling you (though each person is different) to pay attention to how much you want a baby, which in turn, reminds you of the challenges you have faced in this department.
What if however, you could feel joy each time you see a baby or small child? What if I told you that when you change your focus you can feel joy and happiness around babies and children, and it can actually enhance your fertility? Would it be worth doing now?
Don’t believe me? Well, as you know from other tips, stress and depression has been shown to affect fertility.
I can’t say that it causes fertility issues although studies show women who are stressed and/or depressed tend to experience fertility issues more oftent than those who are not stressed or depressed.
So could letting some of the anger and sadness go and shifting your focus improve your mental health and physical well being?
Changing your focus in this way definitely can improve your physiology, decrease depression and anxiety and even help improve hormone balance.
Well what would happen to your thoughts and feelings when I tell you that the more you see babies, the more you hear of friends and relatives becoming pregnant and the more advertisements and television shows you see talking about babies this means that new life is coming closer to you.
The problem is, if you push these babies and these people away, it’s as if you are pushing away life. If you can change your focus to the fact that the more babies and pregnant women you see, especially if they are close to you such as a friend or relative, the more likely you are going to be able to welcome a beautiful new life in to yours it can lower cortisol levels, improve progesterone levels and help to balance your system.
By changing your focus to this way of thinking, you will no longer be split in two, sad for yourself and feeling guilty that you are not happy for your friends or relatives.
With this new focus you are now able to let go of some of the negative emotions and finally feel some happiness again.
So the next time you see a baby or hear of someone close to you being pregnant, and you feel that twinge in your gut, let that twinge be a a reminder that your turn just very well may be closer than you had thought.
One last thing, remember you don’t have to feel sadness to remind you of how much you want a child. Letting go of the sadness doesn’t mean you want a child any less. Letting go of the sadness can mean you are making more room in your heart for your dream to come true.
Fertility tips are (C) copyright of Stacey Roberts and Positive Image publishing.
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